"So whenever God opens up that window for you
because you shut the door, what are you doing?
Your going over there trying to shut that window,
after He just opened it. Or maybe you don't even
see it (the open window/door) and you're walking
right past it becuase you've gotten so used to
self sabottage that you don't even see whenever
things are opening up for you and a path is
being made for you...Know that you are a good person, that good things
can happen to you, so that whenever they start to
happen, don't push them away."
(Brittney Reisert, "Inner Voice of Self Sabotage")
I was just listening to Brittney Reisert's video on self-sabotage. But before listening to Brittney's video, I was listening to another video that talked about how many of the issues that we encounter with sabotaging our dreams and ideas often come from other people. This author encouraged us to hang around positive people who buy into your dreams. The author also stated that sometimes we should keep our dreams to ourselves, for fear that "dream jackers" will play a role in killing our dreams. The author then went on to talk about the biggest sabbotager of all - ourselves and the act of self sabbotage. I then logged into Brittney Reisert's video "Inner Voice of Self Sabotage." She talked about the fact that when you are deep into self sabbotage and your daily sabotaging youself, you don't even realize it. You also don't realize that God is opening doors for you because, through the act of self-sabbotage, you are constantly shutting those doors. That statement really spoke to me. The fact that God has opened, is opening and will open doors and windows of opportunity for me. But through the act of self sabbotage, self doubt and low self esteem, I have shut every single window and door. What's so funny is that no one has told me that I am not worthy or incapable. I have told myself that I am unworthy and incapable. I have talked myself out of opportunities that have been God-given opportunities. I have lost faith and have NOT been mindful of the fact that if God gave it to me, He would be with me and would be with me always and see me through it. Like during a 12 step program, you have to admit what you are. I am not an addict. I am not an alcoholic. What I am is a self-sabbotager. I am a professional, self-sabbotager.
What is so interesting is that I am not sure when it started or why. I can kind of pinpoint it. It really started when I graduated from high school and went away to college. Prior to that time, I believed I could do anything. There was no one who could tell me that I couldn't do something. I would walk up to anyone, talk to anyone and try pretty much anything. What's so weird is that in elementary school I was teased and bullied. I was teased for being overweight. I was teased for having acne. I was teased for being a teacher's kid (I attended the same school where my mom taught). All of this teasing and bullying led to low self-esteem that led to my not taking care of myself. I stopped taking gym because I had two left feet.
But despite all of that, I had other things going on in my life that I could hold on to. I could play the HELL out of a piano. No one could take that away from me. People could say a lot of things about me, but they couldn't say I couldn't play. So I held on to that. The self-esteem around my music led me to be self-confident in other areas of my life, but yet in the back of my mind, I still had that nugget of low self esteem that stemmed from my childhood. My ability to play the piano continued throughout elementary school, high school and even in college. I was confident enough, at the age of 19, to replace a long standing, very talented musician at my home church. Why did I think I had the playing chops to replace him when he resigned? I had the self esteem, in fifth grade, to walk up to the chorus teacher and tell her that I could play for the school. And I became the pianist for the school chorus from 5th grade through 8th grade. I became musician for my college chorus and I became a professional pianist/accompanyist for a number of choirs throughout the city.
But something happened in college. I think when my cousin died unexpectedly, I threw in the towel. I never really grieved her death and I quickly began to give up on things. Instead of holding on to that inner resolve that I knew God was driving within me, I began to give up. I began to quit everything. But it really started shortly before that at the beginning of college. I began to quit on relationships. I quit a number of colleges, searching for something. Then when I settled on a college at home, I quit my piano job. That was shortly after my cousin passed away. And I have been giving up and quitting ever since. I don't really know if the roots of my self sabbotage stemmed from the bullying and teasing from elementary school, my parents divorce, the untimely death of my cousin. I am not sure where they are rooted from. I know all of these things are factors in this self sabbotaging process. But I know that I am a professional self-sabbotager and I have been for years. TODAY THE SELF SABOTAGING BEHAVIOR STOPS.
I am not proud to be a professional self-sabbotager, but I am a self-sabbotager. I have successfully sabbotaged every single opportunity that God has presented to me. I have successfully sabbotaged every single job, every single career move, every single educational and entrepreneurial opportunity that God has blessed me with. I recognize these opportunities as a "blessing from God" everytime. Shortly thereafter, the negative voices come FROM ME, telling me I am not good enough, I am not capable, I will be a failure, you should be afraid of success, you cannot handle it. It's too stressful, etc. etc. The first steps towards healing are to admit that you have a problem. I HAVE A PROBLEM.
I am going to stop here and apologize to God for taking advantage of my life. I apologize to God for taking advantage of every person that has been blessed to be a part of my life's journey. I apologize to God for not recognizing His blessings. I apologize to God for not seizing opportunities. I apologize to God for quitting every blessed opportunity that He has sent my way. I sincerely seek and thank God for His forgiveness. Most importantly, I forgive myself for self sabbotaging every aspect of my life.
The advice that one author gave to ending self sabbotage is to transform your mind through spiritual and positive messages. My husband has always spoke to me about changing the negative self-talk tapes that I play in my mind.
The goal of this blog is to document my journey of ending self sabbotaging behavior. One of the authors said that the path to self sabbotage is daily: a daily path of prayer, meditation, scriptural reading and a daily immersion of self-affirmations, readings and positive practices. A daily immersion of doing and believing. My goal is to get on the daily road of stopping this negative behavior so that I will be able to recognize and appreciate blessings and opportunities that come my way, AND I will stick with them and not quit and talk myself out of them.
This blog will document the process of ending this negative behavior. My plan is to live life in the present, to enjoy life and to appreciate the beauty of life that comes in the form of people, nature and opportunities. My goal is to give of myself, to appreciate my gifts and to share them, so that the beauty of this world will continue.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. MY SELF SABOTAGING BEHAVIOR ENDS TODAY.
